Taking in the Good
How YOU feel and act (both over the course of your life and in specific relationships) is determined by 3 factors:
1. The challenges you face
2. The vulnerabilities these challenges grind on
3. And the strengths you have for meeting your challenges
And let’s be honest, life has NO END on challenges; from the minor hassles of a dropped cell service to old age, or in my case… teenagers (AGH!!!) ;)
Good news though. You actually are equipped with your own unique set of built-in inner strengths to combat life’s challenges. Here are some traits you might possess:
1. Positive mood
2. Common sense
3. Integrity
4. Inner peace
5. Determination
6. A warm heart
7. Self compassion
8. Secure Attachment
9. Emotional intelligence
10. Learned optimism
11. Relaxation response
12. Self esteem
13. Distress tolerance
14. Self regulation
15. Resilience
16. And executive functions
On average, about 1/3 of a person’s inner strengths are innate and built into their genetic temperament. The other 2/3 can be developed over time. So folks, you get them by GROWING THEM.
Whatever you repeatedly sense and feel and want and think is slowly sculpting your brain structure. I like to think of your brain like 5 cups of tofu tissue inside your head, nested amid a trillion support cells. 80-100 billion neurons are signaling one another in a network with about half a quadrillion connections, called synapses. (Lots of big words and numbers here, I know. Stay with me)
And all this incredibly fast activity is constantly changing your brain. Unfortunately, much of our thoughts flow through the brain like ripples in a river, leaving no lasting effects on its channel. However, intense, prolonged, or repeated activity (especially if conscious) will leave a lovely little imprint on the brain’s structure. “Neurons that fire together, wire together” This is what scientists call experience-dependent neuroplasticity.
Therefore your experiences of happiness, worry, love and anxiety really can make changes in your brain networks. Your attention is like a combo spotlight + vacuum cleaning: it highlights what it lands on and then sucks it into your brain -- for better or worse. So, resting your mind on self-criticism, worry, hurts, or stress, then your brain will be shaped into greater reactivity, vulnerability to anxiety and a depressed mood.
Looking back at the past week or so, where has your mind been resting???
The best way to develop greater happiness and inner strengths is to have experiences of them. Every pleasure and pain I have, every love and loss, was the result of activity within my glistening blob of flesh. My brain was the final common pathway of all the causes streaming through me to make each moment of consciousness.
When we’re afraid, we dream smaller dreams, speak less freely, cling tighter to “us” and feel more fear and anger toward “them”. Unless it’s novel or intense, most good news has little or no lasting effect on memory systems in the brain. This happens for 3 reasons.
1. We tend to look past the good news because we are busy solving problems or scanning for something to worry about.
2. When we do recognize a good fact, it often fails to become a good experience. We finish the task, then shift to the next one with little sense of accomplishment.
3. You have to keep resting your mind on a positive experience for it to shape your brain. Unless you consciously take in a good experience, it usually washes through your brain like water through a sieve.
WHY does this happen?
When you feel good, it waits in the background, looking for a reason to make you feel bad. This bias creates 2 kinds of problems. First, it increases the negative. Pulling your attention to what is or could be bad. And we tend to overreact. Second, it decreases the positive, sliding your attention past the good facts around you. This is the default of the stone-age brain, and if we don’t take charge of it, it will continue to take charge of us.
HERE’S THE HOW: 4 steps to “Taking in the Good” (HEAL)
1. HAVE a positive experience
2. ENRICH it
3. ABSORB it
4. LINK to positive and negative material
Step 1 activates the positive mental state, and 2-4 install it into your brain. HEAL.
1. Have a positive experience. So lets all just close our eyes for a minute, and think of something positive that happened to us this week. Something you’re grateful for. And if nothing comes to mind. Simply rest your mind on pleasant sounds in the room. The soothing fan, the warmth of the fireplace, the connection with friends and powerful women.
2. Enrich it. Stay with the positive experience for 5-10 sconces longer. Be open to feelings in it and try to sense it in your body let it fill your mind. Find something fresh or novel about it.
3. Absorb it. Intend and sense it sinking int you and you sink into it. Visualize it landing in your brain. Or place it like a jewel in the treasure chest of your heart. Know that the experience is becoming part of you.
4. OPTIONAL: link positive and negative material. While having the vivid sense of the positive experience in the foreground of awareness, also be aware of something negative in the background. If the negative hijacks your attention, drop it and ONLY focus on the positive again.
Go ahead and open your eyes. You already know how to Take in the Good even if you haven’t done it consciously. It just takes a little more resting on the experience to really creative lasting neural traits for the positive. Even if you can’t get every bit of experience you want, at least you get parts of it. You’ve got to start somewhere, so take the first step that’s in front of you. Good is all around you!
Ideas for Taking in the Good:
1. You finished an email
2. Your cell phone works
3. You have a friend
4. Your dog/cat curling up to you
5. The softness of your partners eyes
6. The laugh of children
7. Savor a delicious meal
8. Make a list of good wishes to others
9. Reasons to be thankful
10. The sun shining
11. A warm hug
12. Time with friends
13. A hot shower
14. The taste of delicious goodies
15. Special traditions for the holidays
16. Places you’ve traveled
17. The taste of chocolate
18. Beautiful Christmas lights
19. The twinkle of stars
20. The warmth in the sunrise
21. A warm coat
22. The Joy of building a snowman
23. Rocking out to your favorite song
