Healthy Emotional Expression
Emotional honesty is not the same as being run by our emotions.
Healthy emotional expression relies on regulation — feeling the emotions without allowing them to take us over. It also means assuming responsibility for our emotions rather than blasting them at others. Attacking other people or dumping feelings on them in the name of emotional honesty is harmful.
Take sadness for example, not all cultures are avoidant of sadness. It appears that potentially the UK and US are more the outliers who avoid sadness. There is a Chinese idea called xingfu, that expresses the notion that a good life may contain pain and difficulty as well as happiness and joy. Displaying sadness is considered OK in East Asian cultures.
Similarly, there's no English equivalent to the Portuguese word saudade- the bliss of melancholy, where one savors the memory of bygone happiness or feels nostalgic for something that happened.
Periods of sadness can even improve our emotional and relational health. Some research has discovered that study participants in negative mood states displayed improved memory and greater motivation. Other studies have found that sadness may improve judgment and can make us more generous and enhance our communication.
Sitting with our emotions can be painful, and very uncomfortable, but riding the wave can be hugely liberating. Unfortunately in the US expressing them can cause others to shy away. Americans prize optimism, so most of us don't learn how to be comfortable with the uncomfortable in ourselves and others. But no one is immune to loss and difficulty. Being able to face sadness, grief, anger, etc can help us learn to live with those experiences, and then we don't have to spend our lives running from them.
Here are some tips to be with things:
1. Permit yourself to FEEL the emotion. It can be the hardest part, so ease into this by first admitting your feelings to yourself. "I feel sad". This can be a great start.
2. Make time for yourself to feel. These emotions often ask us to SLOW DOWN. You may be less productive and feel less social for a time. That's OK.
3. Seek comfort but try to avoid deprivation and excess. Offer yourself small comforts. This can make it easier to resist impulsive choices.
4. Talk to someone. Be it a therapist, friend, mentor, faith leader or multiple. Seek out people who can listen without judgement and interruption.
Knowing the right audience and the right amount of expression is key, no matter what the emotion. Here are a few self talk tips to ask yourself when experiencing a high intensity emotion.
1. Where am I?? Am I at home, where it's safe to be vulnerable? At work, where I have professional boundaries to consider? At a party? At a funeral?
2. Who am I with?? Friends? Loved ones? Colleagues? Acquaintances?
3. What's my goal in this situation?? To get support? To express grievance? To offer an honest reaction?
4. With this knowledge, what's the most helpful way to show my emotions??
Whatever capacity you have to feel and express, I commend you for even contemplating and reading this. The best time to start is now. Awareness is the most important aspect of healthy emotions. Be kind, be gentle, and know this is a process.
